It was 6:00 a.m. and I was so tired from the night before as I usually was since I worked out of town and had long commutes every day. I fell asleep on the bus as I usually did; but when I woke up that morning, beside me was one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read in my entire life. Romantic indeed! I was so impressed by his words… Reflecting on this moment, I wondered if I would have given him the same chance if he had just walked up to me and said hello.
I later found that he was not very good at verbalizing how he felt and because of that he ended in the famous “friend zone”. Years later he built up the courage to tell me he wanted a relationship but by then it was too late. Even though his poem was an indication that he had some sort of admiration for me; it wasn’t enough evidence to show me he wanted to pursue a real relationship since he never communicated it.
Several studies in the last 30 years or so have consistently indicated that women are better communicators than men. Some of these suggest that women use many more words than men (in some cases using anywhere from 10,000 to 20,000 words a day to a man’s 5,000 to 10,000). This character trait in men sometimes leaves a woman in the dark, not knowing how he truly feels. Today in my own marriage I struggle with getting my husband to verbalize his feelings, a common communication issue with men. Some men are much better at communicating their feelings in a non-verbal way; be it with a gift, a letter, or their actions. This can be hard for women to accept sometimes, especially when you are a good communicator. But if you are ever in doubt about how he’s feeling here are some tips on getting him to express what is truly on his mind:
Be Open and Honest about How You feel
Being honest about your feelings opens the door for communication and lets him know that it’s safe to express what’s on his mind. Verbalizing your feelings encourages him to be the same with you. This may not happen right away but over time he will become more opened to expressing what he feels verbally when it becomes the norm in the relationship.
Allow Him to Use His Method of Communication
If your partner is not good at telling you how he feels, then maybe he will express it with a gift or a by giving you something you have been asking for. For example, he may have realized that you were right about an argument but instead of saying “okay you were right” he may get you some jewelry. In this case, you can gentle let him know that you know the reason he got you jewelry. Most men at this point will then begin to verbalize their agreement with you about the issue you had.
Tell Him How You Think He is Feeling
Telling a man how you think he’s feeling is usually a strategy women use to probe. Opening a conversation with assumptions about his feelings will give him the opportunity to set the record straight about whatever misconception you may have about a particular situation. In most cases a man just does not know how to put what he wants to say in words, as such, telling him how you think he feels essentially does that for him.
Get Silent
If you are constantly verbalizing how you feel with no response from your partner. Stop talking. This will nudge him into realizing that you have reached a point of frustration where you no longer see it necessary to express your feelings. Men know that this is dangerous territory and if a man is truly interested then he will try to be open and let conversations flow.
Understand and Learn to Accept Your Partner’s Communication Style
In any relationship compromising is necessary to co-exist with another human being. Understanding that your partner might just be a man of few words might be the best way in getting to know how he truly feels. If you have found that he is better with texting, writing a poem or giving you a gift; then in some situations you may just have to accept that this is the level of communication you will get. As an individual you must make the determination if that type of partner is right for you.
In summary, both men and women struggle with being open and honest about how they truly feel. This in and of itself can be an indication that a person cares. If there is something unpleasant to be said and your partner shows hesitation is sharing it, use that as a sign in knowing that he/she cares. Remember that communication goes beyond what you say and extends to what you do. The act of love is more so about showing someone you care than just telling them.
Written by,
Andrea Thompson
